Monday, January 25, 2010

The Darkness

The darkness overtook me today. The morning started out well enough, but then I went to pay my bills, and the reality of my financial situation hit me full force. I started to feel nauseated, then fought back tears, because it felt as though my life has been a series of miscalculations, of decisions botched, of opportunities squandered, of loves lost.

The prospect of finally surrendering, of declaring bankruptcy, selling nearly all of my possessions, then becoming a full-time RVer (a homeless person with a ride) started to make sense. I never wrote the book that people seemed to respond to: Wal-Mart and Me: A Year on the Road Rent-free, and maybe it's time—especially in this economy, and because it would not be a stunt but a necessity—to pursue this one. I have not really believed in some of the other book ideas I've had, recoiling from the prospect of wading into them for such long stretches, since belief in the project is something that must not waver. But perhaps it's time to get behind this one. If I had no credit card bills, no utility bills and no rent—but also no place to call home—would life be easier?

To try to pull myself up out of the darkness, I headed to the driving range, where I hit 52 balls, half of them wedges, and half of those sculls. But then I found my swing and delivered a series of solid shots, while "playing" Malibu Country Club in my mind. Driver-5-iron on the first hole. Driver-7-iron-wedge on the second, etc. It was fun, and I felt pretty good for a while. Then I even putted well for 15 minutes. And I figured out on the range that by putting the ball farther forward in my stance while hitting my full shots, then forward pressing, I struck the ball more sharply and more consistently.

So that I didn't continue to feel like shit once I returned home, I decided I must write, so I added 800 words to Exit Wound. I realized afterward that many of them were garbage and that I'd have to redo the scene later, but I felt good while writing, and I suppose that is at least one of the benefits of the pursuit.

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